Grief is one of those things that none of us wants to experience. As a matter of fact, many of us don’t even want to be around someone who’s grieving. It’s awkward. So, instead of coming up to someone who has had a recent loss and asking how they are doing, we cross over to the other side of the street.
None of us are immune to loss and grief. And if you haven’t already experienced it, odds are that you will. I can say that because grief and loss isn’t just about death and dying. It’s also about the loss of a job, a lifestyle, our health; the list is endless.
But, for today, I’m talking about the loss of a person. When we experience the loss of someone we love it’s a very difficult time. We need to be kind to ourselves and remember that, eventually, it will get better. Little by little the bad times get less and the good times get larger. Sometimes we even feel guilty for laughing or enjoying yourselves. But it’s okay to smile and, while things may be forever changed, the new normal will begin to form and life will continue.
Different Types of Loss
Every loss is different: parent, child, sibling, friend, partner… The list is endless. How we experience the various losses will be different in each case and with each person who is grieving. With each situation mourning (the expression of grief) and grief (the internal emotion) will vary. Remember that there’s no specific way to ‘do grief’ and there’s no time frame. Often I hear people be told that “it’s been long enough. It’s time to move on.” Telling people this isn’t helpful in any way. It’s down right hurtful. How can anyone expect to ‘get over’ the loss of their spouse in the matter of a couple of months, or their parent in a few short weeks? It’s really a reflection of how uncomfortable our society is with grief. We want to rush through it and that will carry long term negative affects. There’s no going around grief you have to go through it. If you don’t, it will come up and ‘bite you in the behind’. Dealing with it now is painful but it’s much healthier and effective long term.
So remember. There’s no getting over it, or a set time for mourning. A significant loss will be a lifetime of memories that at time will solicit sadness and tears, at other times smiles and laughter. Even as I write this I’m aware that it’s been 29 years ago today that my first husband died. Most would say that after 29 years I should be ‘over it’. However, today I will be sad at the loss. Today I will remember his kind nature. And today I will continue to mourn the loss. I believe this to be honouring to him that there are still those on earth that miss him.
The experience will be different. Mourning the expression of the grief and grief is internal.
There’s no period of time. We carry grief for life. It honours the person.
Respect others to grieve in their own way.
If your ‘stuck’ then seek professional help.
How to help…. initially do what to do to help….call them.
Listen to them.. they’ll talk over and over again. Allow them to do what they need to to, don’t tell them what to do.