So, you’ve been together for a few years (maybe many years), and things have changed. You’ve changed; they’ve changed. You’re wondering if it might be time for a separation or even divorce. There are a few things to think through before you ‘pull the plug’.
I think that all long term relationships deserve a chance, or at least some good long consideration. You didn’t come together with the plans of moving apart. There was something in the other person that you really loved. That something is still there. So before you make any quick decisions take some time to really look at the ramifications.
The first thing that people tend to consider are the children. How will it affect them? What will it be like to be a part time parent? Is this going to ‘mess them ‘up’ for life? And it is a good thing to think about how they may be affected. However, the children aren’t the only thing to consider. They’re just one piece of the puzzle. And, people tend to think it will affect them negatively. But, if there’s a great deal of conflict and tension then you also need to consider how that’s affecting them and what you’re modelling in relationship through the conflict. (it can’t be good if the kids hear Mom call Dad a bastard or Dad call mom a bitch. And yes, such name calling happens). So you might want to think about whether there’s any possibility of the two of you making things different enough for life to be happy for you and them.
Now, not everyone has children to consider. But the balance of issues will touch most everyone at some level. There’s the finances. The loss of family (you’ll both lose an entire family system. To some of you this might be a pleasant thought;to others it will be sad.) You may lose some friends (couples hang with couples). Your Identity will change–you’ll no longer be their spouse. If there are children, your connection to your partner won’t be ending any time soon, if ever in this life time. The bottom line is that there are many issues to consider and evaluate honestly in order to come to a decision. So take a good hard look at the changes and what life may look like.
It’s also important to realize that just because you end the relationship it doesn’t mean that the issues will disappear. All too often people think the next time around will be so much better. However, it’s not uncommon for the same issues to resurface all over again. Funny how that happens. It’s as if God (or the universe or whatever you want to call it) insists that we keep trying until we get it right. I think it’s really more an issue that we have to deal with our baggage or we can’t put it down. So you might want to try and get it right this time.
So you’ve read all of this and think, “I guess the relationship does deserve a chance, what do we do now”. Well, don’t try to do this on your own. Seek out some professional help to walk you through and address the issues. I know I’m a therapist and of course I’d suggest professional help, but it really is true and can help. They’re trained for this work and they’re an impartial third party that will see things differently than either you or your partner will. They can help both of you feel heard and develop a plan to put things back on track.
If you give it a good try and decide it still isn’t going to make it. Then that’s ok too. The next step is to work with your partner in a way that honours you, them and your family. But at the very least you’ve given it a good try.